Humor, jokes

[Crafty Dog]

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel " pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land".

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land".

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land!

Furthermore, I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc... I called Lifeline, the suicide help line. Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.

They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

[Crafty Dog]

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...
------------
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
------------
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
------------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
----------
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started...
----------
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.
And then the fight started...
- ------
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And then the fight started...

[Crafty Dog]

http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1125919467?bctid=63259762001

[Rapier]

Thank you for the humor
Dan Medina

[gagimilo]

A playboy who lived life like there was no tomorrow at one point gets tired of it, and decides to look for the deeper meaning of things. So, he goes to Tibet in search of a wise man that would answer the questions he has. Once there, they send him to this old enlightened lama who is considered the wisest of them all, but to reach him, the playboy had to climb 2,000 stairs, go across an abyss over a single rope, withstand the cold wind and sharp rocks, whipping torrents of rain...but finally he finds the old Lama and addresses him:
"Oh, you holy man of wisdom, you who shed light on the darkness of our ignorance, knowledgeable keeper of all virtue, bringer of bliss to our souls, please tell me one thing - what is life all about?"

The old lama stays quite for a while, and finally says:
"Life is...like a river."

The playboy thinks for a moment and, while scratching his head, mumbles:
"Hmmm, and I always thought it was about fancy cars, prettiest girls, best wines and food, expensive hotels and latest fashin clothing..."

The lama suddenly gives him a puzzled look and asks with surprise:
"What!? So, it's not a river???"

[Crafty Dog]

If a man tries to fail and succeeds, which did he do?

True or False: "This sentence is false."

[Raw_Prime]

Q. Why does Jack Bauer not have a cooking show?
A. He keeps running out of thyme!

[Crafty Dog]

*_Italian Confession_*

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy,
went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open
the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father.. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her
from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you
have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father.. She started to repay me with
sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes
twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you
did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under
those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the
flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are
indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one
more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest..

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

[Crafty Dog]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TRgRz3nSG7o&feature=player_embedded#

[Crafty Dog]

The great debate between Keynes and Hayek continues:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d0nERTFo-Sk

[Crafty Dog]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

[Crafty Dog]

When I checked into my motel, I said to the lady at the desk:
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

[David43515]

Here`s a couple of my favorites in return for all the laughs I got reading this thread.

Two girls were home from college for the holidays and they decided to go out drinking. They talked the night away getting reaquainted and got well and truly drunk as well. After the bar closed the decided they shouldn`t be driving , so they began walking home. After so much to drink both girls had to go to the bathroom, so on the way they ducked out of sight into the local cemetary and squated behind the headstones.
Neither had any tissue so the first girl wiped with her panties and then tossed them off into the bushes. The second girl was wearing rather expensive panties she didn`t want to lose, so she looked around and grabbed a large ribbon from a flower display and wiped with that. Both girls somehow managed to stummble home before they passed out. The next morning the first girls mother called the second girl`s mother and said "I think I need to have a serious talk with my Jennifer about her wild side. She passed out when she got home last night and when I put her to bed I saw that she came home without any underwear."
The second girl`s mother began sobbing and said "That`s nothing. When I found Leslie this morning she was paased out in the bathroom and there was a ribbon sticking out of her underwear that said 'Thanks for everything, we`ll never forget you. Love the guys at Fire Station 12'."





A young guy is in the drugstore and sees a sign that says comdoms are on sale 3 for a dollar. He`s never bought any before, but he figures the price is right. (And who knows, maybe lightning will strike, and he aughtta be prepared.)
So he takes them up to the counter and the clerk says "That`ll be $1.06 please."
The young man`s a little suprised and says "The sign said 3 for a dollar. What`s the other six cents for?"
The cleck says "That`s for the tax."
"Oh...." The kid says "tacks. I always wondered how they stayed on. Can`t I just use tape?"

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again. The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!



Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, ' I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

[Crafty Dog]

INTERESTING HISTORY LESSON

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England , and English expatriates built the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, thewagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with it?', you may be exactly right.

Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horse's asses.)
Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB's. The SRB's are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah . The engineers who designed the SRB's would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB's had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRB's had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the rail road track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything...

and CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.

[Crafty Dog]

No sex since 1955...
A crusty old Chief Petty Officer found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Chief Petty Officer for conversation.

"Excuse me, Chief, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Chief Petty Officer just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean, no sex since 1955! Come with me." She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Chief said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

[arnisador]

LOL! Heh, I'll be re-telling that one.

[Crafty Dog]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said.. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.
It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.
Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!
With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters
and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Freakin' Jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.'

[Carol]

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later his company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small x in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. Accounting demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark .. ..... ..... $1
Knowing where to put it ..... $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired in peace.

[arnisador]

I heard that story about Charles Proteus Steinmetz (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_Proteus_Steinmetz)! It was only $10k then.

[Crafty Dog]

http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?topic=8343&post=77981&uid=51885866231

[Crafty Dog]

Puns For Educated Minds
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's Round Table was Sir Circumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway One hat said to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on a head."
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, "Keep off the Grass."
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21 A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
23. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects.

[Crafty Dog]

Do you know why gorillas have such big nostrils?

They have big fingers.
===================
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but nobody knows how they got in there in the first place

[Crafty Dog]

The Itch
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.

Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick...

The moral of the story






Always pay your bills!

[Crafty Dog]

This man is one of 535 people in now in charge of your health care:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNZczIgVXjg&feature=player_embedded

[Crafty Dog]

MSM on the Tea Party

http://www.pjtv.com/v/3293

[Bob Hubbard]

I skipped the tea party, walked past the coffee party, and formed the Rum Party. :D

[Carol]

But why is the rum always gone? :D

[Crafty Dog]

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She said she wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right), an employee took the woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, $165,000.

The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?" The woman replied, "Well, I'll bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said," Would you like to take my bet?"


"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square." "Done", the woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem," said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before.


Then the woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure." The woman did so with a little smile.


Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada in my hands."
===========

A bear walks into a bar and asks for a beer, to which the bartender refuses as they do not serve alcohol to animals in the bar. The exchange goes back and forth until the bear starts losing his temper and growls "Listen, if you don't serve me a beer, I am going to go over to that bar fly and eat her!"

"I am sorry," Replies the bartender. "We do not serve beer to bears in this bar."

The bear grabs the woman and gulps her down messily, looks at the bartender and says "See, now will you serve me a beer?"

"No," says the bartender. "We don't serve drug addicts, either."

"What do you mean a drug addict?" Growls the bear.

"That was a bar b*tch you ate."
====================

[Crafty Dog]

One more:

The Intuitive Drunk

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where
she selected a quart of 2 percent milk, a carton of
eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine
lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of
bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to
check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she
placed the items in front of the cashier.

The drunk says, "You must be single."

The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, looked at her six items on the
belt.

Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her
selections she says, "Well, you know what, you're
absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know
that?'

The drunk replies, "Cause you're ugly."

[Crafty Dog]

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game
of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first
shot right through the window of the biggest
house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful!
Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner,
apologize and see how much your lousy drive is

going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked
on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When
they opened the door they saw the damage that was
done: glass was all over the place, and a broken
antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces

of window glass.


A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the
people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,"
the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to
thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been
trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've
released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.
I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll
keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He
pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million
dollars a year for the rest of my life"

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's
the least can do. And I'll guarantee you a long,
healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do
you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with
servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your
homes will always be safe from fire, burglary
and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's
your wish, genie?"


"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle,
and haven't been with a woman in more than a
thousand years, my wish is to have sex with
your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said,
"Gee, honey, you know we both now have a
fortune, and all those houses. What do you
think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said,
"You know, you're right. Considering our good
fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what
about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the
husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where
They spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying
each other. The genie was insatiable. After about
three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over
and looked directly into her eyes and asked,
How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old
and both of you still believe in genies?"

[David43515]

Q: How can you tell your neighbor is a real man?






A: When you watch him jog home from the doctor`s office after his vasectomy.

[Crafty Dog]

Adam and Eve said. "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them.
And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a **** one way or the other.

[David43515]

Q: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave thier legs?






A: So nobody mistakes them for Womens` Studies majors.

[Crafty Dog]

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

She used to have a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

A scientist doing a large experiment with liquid chemicals was trying to solve a problem when he fell in and became part of the solution.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.

There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?

A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.

[Crafty Dog]

Did you know it's a good idea to feed marijuana to cows? Apparently you get a better pot roast.

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He used a pencil to work out his problem.

Do you know why God made Adam first? He didn't want advice on how to do it.

Did you hear about the Indian that drank two gallons of iced tea? That night, he drowned in his tepee.

Did you know that the ability to procreate is genetically based? If your parents didn't do it, neither will you.

Did you hear about the short-tempered doctor? He lost his patience.

Did you hear about the blonde who worked at the M&M factory? She got fired for throwing out all the 'W's.

Did you hear about the kid with the joke book? He's all groan now.

[Crafty Dog]

The Song of Conan

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBGOQ7SsJrw

[QOTSA]

A ladies bra, a car battery and a pair of jumper leads walk into a bar.

The car battery and jumper leads sit down together at a table, while the bra goes to the bar to order some drinks.

The bra says 'Can I get three beers?'

The bartender replies 'No way, I'm not serving you! You're off your tits and your two friends look like they want to start something!'

[Crafty Dog]

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psychopath

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

Polaroids

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick


8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Cinco.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack. "Dang! "
A Bad Skydiver Goes, "Dang!" Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

[Carol]

Adam and Eve said. "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them.
And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a **** one way or the other.


*** STEAL ***

Meow? ;)

[Carol]

A North Carolina tobacco farmer sat next to a Texas rancher in a bar. At first, the quiet farmer was a bit leery of the boisterous rancher, but the two men quickly hit it off after discovering that they each shared a love of the land. The farmer described fields of red clay, growing tobacco and soybeans, and the barns he and his father built for curing the tobacco. The Texan described the livestock he raised, and then went off on a lengthy description of his rambling cattle ranch.

"Why, my ranch is soooo big," the Texan bragged, "so big that I can get in mah pickup in the morning, and drive....and drive...and drive....and I ain't gonna reach the other end of mah ranch until sundown!"

The North Carolinian took this all in, nodded, and patted his new friend on the shoulder in a reassuring fashion.

He turned to the rancher and said. "Yup. I had a truck like that once, too."

[Crafty Dog]

================================================== ===========
From a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' these are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying straight-faced while these exchanges were actually taking place.
_____________________________________

1) ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

2) ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

3) ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

4) ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_____________________________________

5) ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
_____________________________________

6) ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_____________________________________

7) ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_____________________________________

8) ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

9) ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________________

10) ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_____________________________________

11) ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_____________________________________






12) ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
_____________________________________

13) ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
_____________________________________

And the best for last:





14) ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

THINK ABOUT IT! MOST MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE LAWYERS

[Carol]

I remember in the mid 90s, Mickey Mantle was waiting on a liver transplant. He ended up getting one, from an accident victim that had made arrangements to donate multiple organs should the situation arise.

The doctor who performed the operation gave a press conference, and took questions. One of the reporters commented on how giving many organs was such a generous gift. He then asked the doctor "May we speak to the donor?"

The doctor just looked at the man and said "Are you a sports reporter, sir?"

Classic :D :D

[Crafty Dog]

A member of Parliament to British Prime Minister Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on
the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

****
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

****
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

****
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -
Clarence Darrow

****
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

****
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -
Moses Hadas

****
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -
Mark Twain

****
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend...
if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

****
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

****
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

****
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

****
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

****
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

[Crafty Dog]

From Canadian show "Talking to Americans"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhTZ_tgMUdo

[Crafty Dog]

Not a joke, but my idea of very funny:

http://winstonscat.blogspot.com/2010/12/iranian-national-air-line-has-star-of.html (http://winstonscat.blogspot.com/2010/12/iranian-national-air-line-has-star-of.html)

Al- Arabiya reported this week that Iranian officials were outraged to discover a Star of David on the roof of the headquarters of Iran Air. Iran's national airline's headquarters was built by Israeli engineers three decades ago, but apparently no one noticed the symbol until a Google Earth user picked it up.

[Crafty Dog]

When Rock stars get old:

http://dalesdesigns.net/rock-on.htm

[Crafty Dog]

How bailouts work

Bailing out … the Irish, Greeks, Spanish, Portuguese or whomever - SIMPLE

It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the town, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the pub. The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit. The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note. The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich German will not suspect anything. At that moment the German comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money and leaves town. No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the bailout package works.

[Crafty Dog]

Why we put an angel on top of the Christmas tree:

Many years ago Santa was having a terrible Christmas. The elves were on strike, Mrs. Claus had a month-long headache, and the reindeer had had an intenstinal virus and come spring thaw the front yard was going to smell awful.

Santa was feeling very unappreciated and put upon. The door bell rang. "What now?" he asked himself. It was the angel with his annual Christmas tree. Gratefully Santa reached out to accept it. "Hold on a minute Santa" the angel said "Our costs have gone up so we need to charge you now. It's C.O.D. Where should I put it?"

[Crafty Dog]

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers

to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting,

or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an *******.

3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.

The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?

And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest,

in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v.. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

[Crafty Dog]

Adam and Eve said. “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.”
And God said, “No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.”

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”
And God said, “No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.”
And God said, “No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.”
And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them.
And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn’t give a **** one way or the other.

[Crafty Dog]

Rain delay

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UZgVogYevM&feature=player_embedded#at=227

[Crafty Dog]

http://www.digtriad.com/news/watercooler/article/178031/176/Florida-Homeowner-Forecloses-On-Bank-Of-America (http://www.digtriad.com/news/watercooler/article/178031/176/Florida-Homeowner-Forecloses-On-Bank-Of-America)

[Crafty Dog]

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are
listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were
called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the
antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a





















fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'



15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where is the fitting room?







And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

One of the clerks passed out.

[Crafty Dog]

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

[Crafty Dog]

Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it. ~Richard Lamm